so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
