my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
