The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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