Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
