I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
