Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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