im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
