i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
