At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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