Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
