the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
