can we get nightvision for the apartment?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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