I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
