Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
