I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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