K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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