just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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