This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
