A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
