hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
