FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
