Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
