we have officially lost it.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
