God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize