New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
