that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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