i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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