So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
