Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
