I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
