mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
