every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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