Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
