The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
