"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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