I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
