This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
