I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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