I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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