his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
this must be what syphilis tastes like
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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