Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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