Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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