my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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