you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
