everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
