paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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