I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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