Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
