I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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