i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
