just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
