Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
