oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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