I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
