you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
