I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
