Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
