Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
