Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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