I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
