I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
