She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
