The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
