Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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